52 Weeks 500 Words
This is how it began: Justine (not her real
name) decided to write 500 words (or as near as), anything goes, per week for 52
weeks. She would then submit it for anonymous posting, via me, her friend.
Perhaps a pattern will emerge from her words, but at this stage it’s more an
experiment I have agreed to share in. I’ll attempt to draw conclusions at the
end of this. Stay tuned if this resonates with you.
Week 46
"Hello, everyone. After last week’s post about feeling a
failure and what I would do to change it, well, here’s how it went.
Remember I said I would concentrate on the little things
that make me positive again?
I went outside and listened to the birds and refilled their
food stations, and that made me smile. All good.
I tried to edit, but really couldn’t concentrate, for there
was too much going on in my mind. But I tried and that gave me a sense of
accomplishment. I also saw an issue in the story line I need to address, which
means I looked at my manuscript at exactly the right time and in the right
frame of mind in order to notice it. Well done to me.
I phoned my brother and we ended up having a loooong chat!
Wonderful!
I did watch a favourite movie … but felt guilty after. Ha.
And then the meal I said I would cook, with the intention of
sharing it with my partner, and in the spirit of those good vibes to move onto
cuddles after.
Generally, as you can see from above, my mood improved
(except for the movie thing, it worked) and I was therefore ready to really
enjoy the evening. I chose to make lasagne, because my partner loves it, and
garlic bread, because I love garlic bread, and a leafy salad to break the
richness of the meal. Around an hour and a half before he was due to arrive, I started
the prep. Music up, glass of white to hand, the cooking process got underway. I
don’t know if the radio felt my mood, but somehow just the right music blared
out and soon I was dancing and singing along, sipping at my wine and really
getting into it.
Yes, I was happy, felt I had not a care in the world and
life was just good.
My partner arrived and everything crashed. An excellent mood
descended into darkness.
Something went wrong in his day, something beyond his
control, and it did not sit well with him. He was frustrated and not in the
mood for laughter. Now, I understand this happens to all of us, that something
to bring us down, and I know we unintentionally project our negative feelings
onto those closest to us. I have done this to him, too. Usually we soothe the
other’s mood, support them until they are ready to step out and let it go. He
has done this for me as well. This is, after all, part of what makes us human,
we have feelings of negativity, and we know empathy also, and we deal with each
other.
Unfortunately, he did not know I was in the middle of trying
to lift myself out of a sense of failure. I immediately felt let down. Yes, you
guessed it, we argued. Instead of understanding each other’s needs, we ended up
throwing insults.
He left without eating and I parked the prepared lasagne in
the fridge somewhat viciously and went off to bed, alone.
Days later, as I sit to write this, I understand two things.
First, I suffered under the delusions euphoria creates in
us. I have spoken of this in an earlier post. Too much ‘happiness’ leads to
blindness to how we are really feeling. I was actually high on my sense of release
from failure and therefore expected everyone to fall into my bliss. Instead of
being empathetic to his needs and helping him back into a good mood, I lashed
out at him for not joining me in my state of euphoria.
Second, anger is a terrible thing. It is destructive. We say
things we do not mean, merely seeking to hurt. In the aftermath, I realised my
hurt caused me to lash out, and no doubt his did too.
This is the longest post to date, far more than 500 words.
Well, just shows how this affected me. To end it, there is this.
We had the lasagne for Sunday lunch; we apologised to each
other and moved on. BUT. Some words were hurled which will take a while to
overcome. On Wednesday I sat him down and said we need to talk about it in
order to move on without the niggles in our thoughts. He agreed and we are
talking and we are also fine. In fact, we are learning new things about each
other now.
Be wary of euphoria and keep compassion ever at the fore of
your being. It avoids much misunderstanding. And that is my two cents this
week!"
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