Justine's Journal #4

52 Weeks 500 Words

This is how it began: Justine (not her real name) decided to write 500 words (or as near as), anything goes, per week for 52 weeks. She would then submit it for anonymous posting, via me, her friend. Perhaps a pattern will emerge from her words, but at this stage it’s more an experiment I have agreed to share in. I’ll attempt to draw conclusions at the end of this. Stay tuned if this resonates with you.

Week 4

'And into decline the mood went. It sometimes feels as if I’m beating a dead horse, writing wise. I don’t seem to get anywhere, and as this is the reason for getting up in the morning, it becomes hard to continue climbing a hill that appears to get ever steeper. Of course there have been gains, but hell, how long can patience hold out? A down day. No, let me qualify. A down week, with moments between, because there was good news too and that helped lift me from gloom. A house Elaina has long been trying to secure finally came her way and she will be moving soon. This is cause for celebration, as it’s closer to me and it means more space and freedom and privacy for her (and for me, because now I can visit more often instead of merely sending communication virtually!) and perhaps also an expanding of the mind and health of body. Do they not say change is as good as a holiday? I hope so. I have put myself in another’s shoes here, and take on someone else’s change as my own (I don’t seem to have a life I can call mine), and so I suspect it’s mostly the sense of coming freedom that serves to inspire me. After the call to share the news, I discovered a down morning lifted into a sunny afternoon. Yes, there are, occasionally silver linings! Don’t you just love all the mixed metaphors? The writer in me should cringe, but what the hell.

In fact, quite a few good things have come to pass lately, but I find it hard to trust they aren’t just ephemeral. Perhaps the problem is in me. Hold thumbs with me now that something lasting comes of those good things. Something that is mine, to become part of my life.

What good things, you ask? And here we have another issue. I don’t like sharing my news, whether good or bad, unless I know you well. I always think others are judging me and thus don’t give them opportunity to do so. Of course, aloofness and withdrawal leads to judgement also. This is my catch 22. Later I may reveal why this happens, but that takes a bit more courage than I currently have. This 500 word adventure is still too new. I hope I am able to be a bit more open. I will be the one who benefits, after all. Think, meanwhile, on how parents can entirely engender in a child a sense of unworthiness. Know that one? Right. Maybe I will tell you. Maybe not.'