52 Weeks 500 Words
This is how it began: Justine (not her real
name) decided to write 500 words (or as near as), anything goes, per week for 52
weeks. She would then submit it for anonymous posting, via me, her friend.
Perhaps a pattern will emerge from her words, but at this stage it’s more an
experiment I have agreed to share in. I’ll attempt to draw conclusions at the
end of this. Stay tuned if this resonates with you.
Week 45
"Do you sometimes feel as if you have failed? It could be in
a task, a responsibility you undertook, as a friend, in your work, your
personal life? Of course you have, for all of us sometimes doubt ourselves.
This was my week, unfortunately. I feel as I have failed. Just
admitting it makes me feel terrible. Yet it wasn’t in a task or responsibility,
or a relationship. I failed myself. I have this week utterly doubted myself. Every
positive feeling I have worked hard at attaining meant less than nothing. Yes, I
wanted to crawl into bed and stay there, never to emerge again, for I am a
failure.
When I sat to write this entry, I thought to record
something positive, hoping it would jog me from this state of belief. Omission though
is also lying, if only to myself. So, now the words of admission pour out
instead. While I hope you will learn from this or simply feel empathetic in
recognising yourself in here, this journal entry is so that I may reason this
all out and change my state of mind.
I stare at the screen now and wonder if a chemical
deficiency isn’t causing this negativity. Perhaps the stuff that wires me is
defective and I need to have my hormones tested or something. Maybe. I can’t
afford to visit a doctor, though, so that won’t help me. If this continues, I may
have to acknowledge there is a physical reason beyond my control and then live
with it.
Still, I am of the opinion we can rewire ourselves, shift
those chemicals around ourselves if we try hard enough, believe in ourselves
and give it our all. The process is the same for our physical selves as it is
for the intangible parts. Therefore, anything I attempt to do, whether it is physical
or emotional, will in the end lead to the same result. Right? Well, that’s what
I tell myself. I do doubt at the moment.
I’m sorry, I had hoped to reveal to you a journey, one which
slowly over the weeks of entry showed you how it is possible to grow daily
simply by being more aware of the inner self. In this I have clearly failed
also. Here I sit and dump doubts and it feels as if I have just started this
journey and the intervening weeks have not happened.
They did happen! I did learn so much! I fixed so many
issues!
Wow.
Oh, now I sound completely disjointed, but do you know what?
It just occurred to me the journey is real and I have soul-searched and
lip-chewed and I have GROWN. This current state of belief is but a few days in
a far larger picture. Why throw what went before away? That would be the real
failure. We are not perfect, not ever, and sometimes we doubt. Sometimes the
big picture is overwhelming. Sometimes we have to admit we are only human.
Okay, so these few days do not define me. Your few days do
not define you either. I acknowledge the bigger picture, but will now
concentrate on the small stuff and use them to drag myself out of this.
I will go outside and listen to the birds. I will edit
another chapter of my book. I will cook a lovely meal tonight. I will phone my
brother for a quick chat. I will veg later and watch my favourite movie without
telling myself I am wasting time better spent doing something constructive. I will
cuddle with my partner tonight after our meal.
I will fix this.
Thank you for the opportunity to unload. This has given me
the willingness to change my doubts and the path to do so. I hope you can find
your path, too."
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