Our Lanterns Glow: Finding Light in 2020

This book is close to my heart. All my books are, but this one especially. Our Lanterns Glow is my contribution towards finding a path through a pandemic's chaos, and even if no one reads it, for me it has been cathartic. It is ranking on Amazon, though, so I'm guessing someone wants to read it!

Our Lanterns Glow isn't a standard inspirational book; for this, I tweaked. Instead of using sayings from our real world motivators, I turned to my published work, my fiction. If you have read any of my books, you will know most of them have excerpts heading chapters, sometimes inspirational, sometimes thought-provoking, sometimes humorous, and sometimes dark, too. For Our Lanterns Glow I chose both inspirational and thought-provoking, and included excerpts from the various narratives also.

Extracts are from Lore of Arcana, Lore of Reaume, Lore of Sanctum, TINSAL, Latticework, Ilfin of Arc, and Ancient Terra.

Currently on pre-order for $1.29, I believe much of what is contained within will offer both insight and aid to the reader and seeker. Our Lanterns Glow will deliver on 31 August, so not too long a wait!

Blurb

The year is 2020

 We have seen fires in Australia, locust plagues in Africa, both flooding and drought elsewhere, and riots and marches, too, but all pales in comparison to what 2020 is really about. A global pandemic.

 We have endured lockdown and it appears it will befall us more than once as this virus runs its course. We no longer live with any kind of certainty. We need to cope with the reality, which includes the virus itself, the loss of loved ones and economic devastation, if only by staying as positive as is possible.

 Understanding who we are and who we can be, if we take care to be honest with ourselves, is the first step to dealing with the progress of utter change and helps us forge a path through the chaos.

 Therefore, this book.

 Our Lanterns Glow is a deliberate choice of title. We are, each of us, lanterns in the darkness. We shine, and we hoist our lanterns for others to find their way. We can trim the wick of our lamps to brighten our inner selves, and will thus shed the resultant glow ever outwards.

 Based on fictional insights, for fiction has helped us in these trying times, Our Lanterns Glow isn’t a cure all, it is about insight and the inspiration we need to move forward. We have everything to gain in trying something new, something different …

Exclusive to Amazon:

OUR LANTERNS GLOW

Review: Swiftly Sharpens The Fang by Stuart Kenyon

Amazon UK

The Minstrel and Justine

I have updated two covers, thanks to my brilliant cover designer Poppet!

(The old covers still appear on Amazon, which I have contacted them about)

All links in sidebar :)

P.S. Minstrel is available for a mere 99c and Justine for only $1.49!

Review - Carry Me Away

Amazon

Justine's Journal now in book form!

Many of you followed Justine's weekly thoughts and know we intended to put it all into a book. Here it is! We are still working with a designer on the cover. Initially Justine and I thought to do everything ourselves, but cover design isn't exactly a skill either of us have. The one you see here is what we came up with, and both of us agree we need another! We particularly need help for the print wrap!!

If you haven't followed Justine's journey, all her posts are linked to in 'Justine's Journal' in the sidebar - feel free to browse :)

Blurb

Justine writes 500 words (or as near as), per week for 52 weeks, submitting her thoughts for anonymous posting, via her friend’s blog. At the end of the year they decide to create a book, hoping Justine’s thoughts will serve as inspiration to others.

Justine is real, although her real name doesn’t appear in this book. She prefers the anonymity, for it is easier to share when no one knows who you are.

Although believing a pattern will emerge from her words, one of self-knowledge, possibly of inspiration, it starts as a shared experiment. Initial doubts lead to a sense of excitement, as both writer and blogger feel the message coming through.

This experiment and the results are shared here. Justine’s Journal isn’t meant to teach the rules of feelings or behaviour. There are no rules; everyone is different. This is simply one woman’s journey, a courageous one.

Author’s Note: Justine asked me, her friend, to remain as author of this book (although I only play the role of editor and reader), and we agreed any proceeds will go to a charity of her choice.

Amazon

Justine's Journal: An Interview

Justine and I got together this week to discuss the book we are planning to release soon, but more on that when the time comes. The point of this post is to give you my thoughts on what the last year of entries has meant.

To that end, instead of me rambling here on and on about what I thought we achieved and how I regard the changes I noticed in Justine, I decided to do an interview. On seeing Justine, I ran it by her and she was at first reluctant, citing that an interview was too personal. When I pointed out that every entry she wrote and I posted for her was also personal and yet she gave of herself week after week, her choice, she agreed.

We then agreed to keep it short, ten questions only. I have to tell you that choosing even one question was hard, choosing ten became quite a mission. Once I started writing potential questions down, I discovered there was a host of them I would like to ask!

***

1 Why did you choose a pseudonym?

Well, you know yourself I don’t have much of an online presence, so it wasn’t the digital world’s response that had me worried. I do have a large circle of real world friends, though, and many of them would have been too judgemental. That is what I thought at the time anyway. Now I realise real friends don’t judge in the way I thought they might. Today I would consider using my real name … well, maybe. I sort of prefer the anonymity, I must admit. It freed me to say things I wouldn’t normally say.

2 What exactly prompted you into starting the Journal?

I felt alone, really isolated, pretty scared, and saw no future. I didn’t have a life, I thought. Then, one evening, I sat and watched a cactus I had on my windowsill at the time, begin to bloom. It’s one of those that bloom once every so many years or something, and only for one night. It hadn’t bloomed before and for weeks a bud sat there waiting. I saw pink pushing through and I was quite excited. Okay, now imagine sitting and watching a flower – nothing happens when you watch it! Hours later, though, there were furled petals and by morning (I was up early) the full flower was there. It was like magic! By evening of the second day it had begun to shrivel.

I saw myself in that bloom. Waiting. Suddenly something clicked inside and it started to change, after so long waiting. For a brief time something beautiful emerged. And then it returned to waiting, but I knew it had the ability to emerge one day again, when everything was ready for it to bloom once more.

The next day I cried (lots) and decided it was time to emerge, if only to be for a brief moment something beautiful.

3 In three words describe your state of mind when we began this journey.

Lost

Alone

Depressed

4 In three words describe your state of mind when we ended this journey.

Awake

Aware

Happy

5 Which one thing made you sit up and think?

The déjà vu thing with the dog running across the road as I turned a corner! Until then, the premonitions I had experienced were somewhat distant, although they were real. That dog was right there in real time. All the hairs on my arms, legs and neck stood up. I really started thinking then.

6 What scared you the most?

When my partner lost his phone while visiting family up the coast, I assumed the worst. It is frightening how easily we think the worst first.

7 What disappointed you the most?

I can’t say anything disappointed me. Everything was part of the journey and remains part of the learning process. If I had to choose, then I would say I was disappointed that I couldn’t always find the right words to explain what I was feeling.

8 What made you laugh the most?

People! Not people as a concept, but the people I met at charity functions. Because I put myself out there, I discovered laughter. I realised we like to laugh together. This is a great feeling.

9 What made you the happiest?

Definitely reconnecting with my brother!

10 And finally, where to now?

Nowhere far in geography, but I will definitely build on what I have learned. I intend to continue my journal entries, for the blank page is now my therapy. Also, I am looking forward to strengthening my relationships, with my partner, with my brother, with you and with old and new friends. I am no longer alone. This too is a good feeling.

Also, I have an idea for a new book. It’s as if all this has opened doors in my creativity as well. Maybe I’ll publish soon, maybe I’ll wait until I’m ready, but I will be writing no matter what. A really good feeling!

***

I admit, I cried when Justine spoke of the bloom on her windowsill. She never told me that before. I also understand her disappointment with words – sometimes they simply don’t do justice to what is inside. As for Justine’s writing? I have read some of her work (she’s still a bit reluctant to share, fearing judgement) and it’s good. I hope she does publish. That will be the real ‘Justine’. Watch out world, the girl has stories to tell!

A final note from me. I want to thank Justine for doing this. She has not merely helped herself stand up again; she has helped me stand up again. Thank you, Justine.

Keep smiling!

Justine's Journal #52

And here we are, this is Justine's final journal entry! Next week we'll do a final post for insights :)

Week 52

And here we are at the end of our 52 week challenge! I feel strange writing this final entry, knowing it will be the last. Now I look forward to the book, for I am intrigued by how it will feel to have it in my hands at some future time, to then look back at a year in my life. We learn from our mistakes and admitting them often leads to reward, a soul’s reward.

This has been intensely satisfying. The act of forcing myself to be honest and to think has opened doors in my mind, heart and spirit, and I intend to continue doing so in my private journal. Thank you for reading. I hope you too have reached a state of acceptance of self.

We make mistakes. Often we don’t think first. Sometimes emotions cloud our perceptions. All of these are factors I have come to realise. Understanding ourselves, I believe, smooths the path we walk. It isn’t without bumps and mountains, but we are better able to deal with obstacles. Know this, though. We also have a tendency to ignore lessons learned, for our egos end up interfering. If we keep that in mind, most of the time we can pause first and then take the necessary action. If not, if we lash out without thinking, we need to understand we are human and not beat ourselves up in the aftermath. If you falter, breathe, think, and then fix.

As humans we have much to teach each other, on every level. If only the world will hear this. Let us talk to each other, listen to each other, offer a smile and project acceptance and love to all ages and creeds. If we do this, peace will be ours. Personal peace and world peace. The majority wants this – why then is peace elusive? To answer that will entail an essay of note, and I am not the one to offer it. I have not the words to explain every factor. I do have the hope we will get there one day, if only a moment at a time, a smile at a time. The road to peace begins in each of us, so concentrate on your journey.

On a more personal note, I faltered this week. My neighbour was nosey about my writing, and made those snide comments writers dread. Are you published? It takes long to write a book, doesn’t it? Seems it doesn’t pay, maybe you should get a real job … and so forth. She was speaking from her point of view, of course, having no understanding of the process. I should have explained with a smile, but I rudely told her to mind her own business. Very rudely, in fact. After, I understood her point of view and I went over to apologise. It turns out, she is writing children’s stories, and she needed someone to know that, to tell her it’s okay if it doesn’t all come magically together. Neither of us has published, but now we can laugh about it and support each other.

See? Ego. If we falter, breathe, think and then fix. Now there is peace between neighbours!

Final note, before I leave you to your future. Love yourself first. The rest comes to you when you accept yourself. And smile!

Thank you for coming on this journey with me!

Justine's Journal #51

52 Weeks 500 Words

This is how it began: Justine (not her real name) decided to write 500 words (or as near as), anything goes, per week for 52 weeks. She would then submit it for anonymous posting, via me, her friend. Perhaps a pattern will emerge from her words, but at this stage it’s more an experiment I have agreed to share in. I’ll attempt to draw conclusions at the end of this. Stay tuned if this resonates with you.

Week 51

The second to last journal entry! I think I may suffer withdrawal symptoms after this J

Here’s an update of recent events. I attended a charity event for literacy and the support the campaign was most heart-warming. I am so happy to see how many care about this issue. The event included collecting books for schools and, although I did not attend the delivery drive, I hear teachers and kids both were over the moon.

On a more personal front, my brother is flying down for business in two weeks and we’ll be having dinner before he flies back. I can’t wait to see him!

My partner and I currently discuss finding a new place for the two of us. Mine is too small for him to move in (although he spends most of his time with me anyway!) and his is a bachelor flat. This means we are in fact deciding whether to spend the rest of our lives together. No talk of marriage, but neither of us needs that kind of formality, not yet anyway. Both of us have been burned, and we’re taking it step by step. Still, you should see the massive smile on my face when no one is looking! I feel the future is very bright and I’m loving life right now.

Around me life continues.

I saw a boy fall from his bike the other day and my entire body tensed in sympathy with him. He picked himself up and pushed his bike into a nearby driveway, so he was all right … although I did notice the tears, poor little guy.

Cold nights at the moment mean the homeless really take strain. A few of us in the neighbourhood donated old jackets and blankets to a collection charity. The days are warmer now as winter moves towards spring, but the nights aren’t. Winter may still surprise us with a few ‘events’ too. I pray these folk find shelter. I wish there was a way to deal with this problem permanently, for all of us deserve a warm place and food to fill our stomachs.

As for the coming of spring. We feel it in the air now, but it hasn’t yet rained enough to fill the dams for summer’s dryness. While we would love to have the warmth back, we understand we need it to rain a lot before we can relax for summer. Here’s to hoping this happens, despite the terrible discomfort for those on the streets. This is such a conundrum for me. I wish for rain, but wish also for good days and nights to ease the plight of those less fortunate.

That’s me for this week. Keep smiling, everyone!

Justine's Journal #50

52 Weeks 500 Words

This is how it began: Justine (not her real name) decided to write 500 words (or as near as), anything goes, per week for 52 weeks. She would then submit it for anonymous posting, via me, her friend. Perhaps a pattern will emerge from her words, but at this stage it’s more an experiment I have agreed to share in. I’ll attempt to draw conclusions at the end of this. Stay tuned if this resonates with you.

Week 50

"Do you know this one? Due to the drama caused by certain members of your family, you choose to walk away. You cut them out of your life, because your sanity is more important to you than always ‘coping’ with the latest drama.

Yes? Many of us eventually reach this point where staying away is the better option, don’t we?

And then something happens that could change it. In this instance, a friend walked away from family … and now someone has fallen ill, seriously ill. To make peace, she would like to visit, but there is so much added stuff that comes with doing this, she is now in quite a bind. On the one hand, she will feel terribly guilty if she stays away, but on the other hand she must expect havoc to re-enter her life once more if she steps into that ring again.

I don’t know how to advise her. My family is sparse, but I have had friends I now no longer have contact with. So I understand, but family, of course, is not quite the same as a friend you no longer see. What wold you do? Which is the better choice?

Why do so many of us function only when there is drama in our lives? We say we don’t need it and yet seek it out and sometimes even cause it. Why? If we sought peace first, my friend would make her way to the hospital in ease and visit without the expectations of doom now hanging over her.

Unfortunately, this is the negative side in all of us. This is how we get our energy. Without it we feel drained and have no sense of place. Right? But hold on here, is it not also true that at the end of a long day of drama we feel drained and without direction? It stands to reason then, the energy we think we get is in fact the wrong energy. It may bolster us through the day (or so we think) but at the end of it we have lost ourselves, rather than gained.

There is no easy answer, other than to suggest toning down the drama. Concentrate on peace. This is what my friend did, of course, in staying away … so what now? I would say pay that visit and make your peace and then step away again, even if it means putting your phone off for a week or two until the others involved get the message. Maybe that’s being rude and stubborn, but we have to take care of ourselves first.

Good luck, my friend. My door is open if you need to unload, know that!"

Feelings Word Vocabulary

Justine's Journal #49

52 Weeks 500 Words

This is how it began: Justine (not her real name) decided to write 500 words (or as near as), anything goes, per week for 52 weeks. She would then submit it for anonymous posting, via me, her friend. Perhaps a pattern will emerge from her words, but at this stage it’s more an experiment I have agreed to share in. I’ll attempt to draw conclusions at the end of this. Stay tuned if this resonates with you.

Week 49

"Do you feel alone? I know I sometimes do, despite having others in the vicinity. Feeling alone has little to do with people, after all, for it’s a state of mind, not a state of being. You can be surrounded by others and still feel alone.

I thought about this concept this week and I now realise it’s because  belonging comes from  real connection. This is about being able to talk to another about soul stuff. Even when we don’t make sense to ourselves, we know that other gets us. You can bounce ideas off them, you can discuss issues without judgement and you can laugh at things you took too seriously before. Suddenly you realise you belong to a connection, one that makes you feel okay about yourself. You are no longer alone.

These connections are not about proximity. In our technological age we can chat to someone across the world and find someone who thinks as we do and actually make a connection with value to who we are inside. On the flip side, the neighbour two doors down could be your go to person when you feel alone. You and this person may not share social time and events, but your connection may be such that, when you are feeling alone, there is the person who will get you, and that door is ever open to you.

Yes, this week I felt alone. I felt as if no one understood me, as if no one ‘got’ me, as if I was all alone in a big bad world of misunderstanding and misinterpretation. Try and tell those usually closest to you how you feel … and watch their eyes lose focus. Too much sharing! They don’t need the burden of your feelings! They don’t get you. And therefore you feel alone.

I’ve said this before, but really we are very strange. One day we’re up, the next day we’re down. Today we feel valued, tomorrow we feel worthless. Yesterday we were on top of the world, today we wonder what’s the point to anything. Strange. How does it change so fast? What causes such waves in how we see ourselves? There’s no right answer to that, other than to suggest our souls are continuously searching for real connections.

When we find a connection, those up and down waves are still there, make no mistake, but we deal better with them. If it gets too much, we can unload our fears into that connection and then go forth unburdened.

I hope this makes sense to you. To put it simply. I felt alone and then I received an email from someone many thousands of km’s from where I am, and know what? She told me of her struggle and I totally ‘got’ her, because her struggle spoke directly to my feeling of aloneness. By the end of a flurry of emails both of us felt not only better, but empowered! We were no longer alone.

It put a massive smile on my face, I tell you."

For our souls - an excellent book

I would like to share something with you. Recently I was in frightened state of mind and a friend suggested I read this ...

I was blown away by how much this helped me. I feel stronger and more able to cope, because I now better understand how we function as humans, and I have discovered some pertinent advice about how to look at matters and how to protect myself when the way becomes a little dark.

Usually I don't bother much with 'self-help' books (there are exceptions, of course!) but this isn't so much about self-help as it is about understanding. We are ever seeking energy as souls in order to function and this tells us how it works and how we deal with it.

An eye-opener indeed! A soul opener, actually!

My review posted on Amazon, because I wanted to tell other potential readers to have a look. This book deserves it!

We all have our issues and most of us are afraid to confront them. Whether we are into new age stuff or belong to a formal religion, whether we profess no belief or every belief, we all have our issues.

This book opened my eyes. Not only does it discuss in a logical and readable way the spirit world and the beings inhabiting it, but it’s also to the point about those issues we struggle to deal with. The author logically explains how we are all connected, how we create both our negative and positive environments and inner selves, following it up with practical solutions and advice. This aids our relationships with our spouses, our children and others, explaining how our souls require energy in order to function. Often this energy is negative and we need to teach ourselves how to project and accept only positive energy.

What I took away from this was awareness. I now better understand myself and those around me. I also took away that love heals all, if only we will allow it to.

You need to read this. Please read this. We do not all believe the same, and yet there is so much common ground here, for we are all human and all of us need love in our lives. You do need to read this. Go on, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Amazon

Justine's Journal #48

52 Weeks 500 Words

This is how it began: Justine (not her real name) decided to write 500 words (or as near as), anything goes, per week for 52 weeks. She would then submit it for anonymous posting, via me, her friend. Perhaps a pattern will emerge from her words, but at this stage it’s more an experiment I have agreed to share in. I’ll attempt to draw conclusions at the end of this. Stay tuned if this resonates with you.

Week 48

"Recently I went back and read a few of my old entries; trying to see how they would look in the book we are planning.

I must tell you I was really negative when this began. It is as clear as daylight to me now that I have really grown over the weeks that followed those initial entries. Wow. Isn’t it fantastic how we are able to let go of what burdens us and, in doing so, we start moving forward? I have moved forward!

In fact, my go-to position now is to write about something positive (for the most part) rather than focus on the negative, and that wasn’t the case in the past. Then I would record the bad, rather than focus on the good. I’m liking the new me. I feel more comfortable in her skin.

We are like this, you know.

Given a conscious choice, most of us would prefer focusing on the side of us that makes us smile and feel good about ourselves.

Unfortunately, it’s in the sub-conscious where the negative tends to swirl and when asked how we are, we blurt out what is wrong with us instead of what is going right. We really are strange creatures.

The trick, I believe, is to bring our sub-conscious in line with our conscious selves, so that out automatic response is ever positive. Of course this is the ideal and of course we are human and sometimes fail, but I have found that writing the negative out of my system has really helped. I know I have mentioned before that a journal aids this, that releasing the feelings to paper (or digital) will lessen the impact negative thoughts have, but this is my way of coping.

My way is only a suggestion. Do find what works for you.

As this session of self-analysis draws to a close (four to go after this one) I begin to see how much it has helped me. I am so glad I have an actual journal under my pillow to continue this, for this is how I now focus my thoughts and feelings. In a way, I’m less impulsive about my reactions as well, for I tend now to consider something from more than one angle before diving into a situation. This has prevented me going off the deep end on more than one occasion.

Still, there is a place for impulsive. We cannot always think everything through. But, if we succeed in bringing our sub-conscious in line with our conscious selves, our reactions would insert the positive into impulsivity.

Yes, I’m still learning how to do so and the learning won’t end when these journal entries do. We are ever a work in progress, aren’t we? But I’m thinking it will become easier and easier as practice becomes perfect(ish)!

Keep smiling! Allow your sunny nature the upper hand as often as you can manage it!"

Justine's Journal #47

52 Weeks 500 Words

This is how it began: Justine (not her real name) decided to write 500 words (or as near as), anything goes, per week for 52 weeks. She would then submit it for anonymous posting, via me, her friend. Perhaps a pattern will emerge from her words, but at this stage it’s more an experiment I have agreed to share in. I’ll attempt to draw conclusions at the end of this. Stay tuned if this resonates with you.

Week 47

"This past week ended up being pretty hectic and I didn’t even get the chance to write properly in my private under-my-pillow journal. There are a few functions happening in my area, with loads of charities getting involved, and as I like to volunteer for good causes, I found myself a little harassed by day’s end, and a lot tired.

So I did this: I wrote one word in my journal to describe the day.

Looking back over five entries like that, I am surprised by how much one word can describe so much. In that one word is a full day of action, of emotion, of how I felt as the day ended.

Monday – frazzled

Tuesday – bone-tired

Wednesday – contented

Thursday – weary-happy

Friday – laughing

Okay, so some were two words J But do you see the progression? It began with loads of set-up work and ended in the culmination events last night, which went smoothly and everyone had fun. Later this evening, we will pack it all up and I think my word then will be ‘exhausted’!

It was a good week. I made new friends and learned much about people and their willingness to help others without expecting payment other than the satisfaction of a job well done. This fills me with a glow. To me, this means we are still good as humankind and we still use our humanity. This is very special. If all of us would do something ‘extra’ no matter how small, we can change the world.

A smile can change the world! Try it. As you do your weekly shopping, pushing your trolley around crowded aisles, smile at someone. In most cases that someone will actually smile back and both your worlds suddenly feel brighter. This is very special also.

The one word entries led to a form of enlightenment, for me. I realised we do not need loads of words to describe an emotion, that a word can say so much even in singular. We do trip ourselves up, don’t we, when we try too hard to say something. Too many words can lead to misunderstanding. On the flipside, one word may say too little, so we need a happy compromise. And this is what I will try in future, use my happy compromise. When busy, it’s one word, but if I feel afterwards it needs more explanation, I’ll add something more. At the very least, that one word serves as a reminder and becomes something to build on.

I am so pleased life teaches us new ways all the time. And I am so pleased to know we are able to make new connections simply by smiling and lending a helping hand. Sometimes we live in an okay world!"

Justine's Journal #46

52 Weeks 500 Words

This is how it began: Justine (not her real name) decided to write 500 words (or as near as), anything goes, per week for 52 weeks. She would then submit it for anonymous posting, via me, her friend. Perhaps a pattern will emerge from her words, but at this stage it’s more an experiment I have agreed to share in. I’ll attempt to draw conclusions at the end of this. Stay tuned if this resonates with you.

Week 46

"Hello, everyone. After last week’s post about feeling a failure and what I would do to change it, well, here’s how it went.

Remember I said I would concentrate on the little things that make me positive again?

I went outside and listened to the birds and refilled their food stations, and that made me smile. All good.

I tried to edit, but really couldn’t concentrate, for there was too much going on in my mind. But I tried and that gave me a sense of accomplishment. I also saw an issue in the story line I need to address, which means I looked at my manuscript at exactly the right time and in the right frame of mind in order to notice it. Well done to me.

I phoned my brother and we ended up having a loooong chat! Wonderful!

I did watch a favourite movie … but felt guilty after. Ha.

And then the meal I said I would cook, with the intention of sharing it with my partner, and in the spirit of those good vibes to move onto cuddles after.

Generally, as you can see from above, my mood improved (except for the movie thing, it worked) and I was therefore ready to really enjoy the evening. I chose to make lasagne, because my partner loves it, and garlic bread, because I love garlic bread, and a leafy salad to break the richness of the meal. Around an hour and a half before he was due to arrive, I started the prep. Music up, glass of white to hand, the cooking process got underway. I don’t know if the radio felt my mood, but somehow just the right music blared out and soon I was dancing and singing along, sipping at my wine and really getting into it.

Yes, I was happy, felt I had not a care in the world and life was just good.

My partner arrived and everything crashed. An excellent mood descended into darkness.

Something went wrong in his day, something beyond his control, and it did not sit well with him. He was frustrated and not in the mood for laughter. Now, I understand this happens to all of us, that something to bring us down, and I know we unintentionally project our negative feelings onto those closest to us. I have done this to him, too. Usually we soothe the other’s mood, support them until they are ready to step out and let it go. He has done this for me as well. This is, after all, part of what makes us human, we have feelings of negativity, and we know empathy also, and we deal with each other.

Unfortunately, he did not know I was in the middle of trying to lift myself out of a sense of failure. I immediately felt let down. Yes, you guessed it, we argued. Instead of understanding each other’s needs, we ended up throwing insults.

He left without eating and I parked the prepared lasagne in the fridge somewhat viciously and went off to bed, alone.

Days later, as I sit to write this, I understand two things.

First, I suffered under the delusions euphoria creates in us. I have spoken of this in an earlier post. Too much ‘happiness’ leads to blindness to how we are really feeling. I was actually high on my sense of release from failure and therefore expected everyone to fall into my bliss. Instead of being empathetic to his needs and helping him back into a good mood, I lashed out at him for not joining me in my state of euphoria.

Second, anger is a terrible thing. It is destructive. We say things we do not mean, merely seeking to hurt. In the aftermath, I realised my hurt caused me to lash out, and no doubt his did too.

This is the longest post to date, far more than 500 words. Well, just shows how this affected me. To end it, there is this.

We had the lasagne for Sunday lunch; we apologised to each other and moved on. BUT. Some words were hurled which will take a while to overcome. On Wednesday I sat him down and said we need to talk about it in order to move on without the niggles in our thoughts. He agreed and we are talking and we are also fine. In fact, we are learning new things about each other now.

Be wary of euphoria and keep compassion ever at the fore of your being. It avoids much misunderstanding. And that is my two cents this week!"

Justine's Journal #45

52 Weeks 500 Words

This is how it began: Justine (not her real name) decided to write 500 words (or as near as), anything goes, per week for 52 weeks. She would then submit it for anonymous posting, via me, her friend. Perhaps a pattern will emerge from her words, but at this stage it’s more an experiment I have agreed to share in. I’ll attempt to draw conclusions at the end of this. Stay tuned if this resonates with you.

Week 45

"Do you sometimes feel as if you have failed? It could be in a task, a responsibility you undertook, as a friend, in your work, your personal life? Of course you have, for all of us sometimes doubt ourselves.

This was my week, unfortunately. I feel as I have failed. Just admitting it makes me feel terrible. Yet it wasn’t in a task or responsibility, or a relationship. I failed myself. I have this week utterly doubted myself. Every positive feeling I have worked hard at attaining meant less than nothing. Yes, I wanted to crawl into bed and stay there, never to emerge again, for I am a failure.

When I sat to write this entry, I thought to record something positive, hoping it would jog me from this state of belief. Omission though is also lying, if only to myself. So, now the words of admission pour out instead. While I hope you will learn from this or simply feel empathetic in recognising yourself in here, this journal entry is so that I may reason this all out and change my state of mind.

I stare at the screen now and wonder if a chemical deficiency isn’t causing this negativity. Perhaps the stuff that wires me is defective and I need to have my hormones tested or something. Maybe. I can’t afford to visit a doctor, though, so that won’t help me. If this continues, I may have to acknowledge there is a physical reason beyond my control and then live with it.

Still, I am of the opinion we can rewire ourselves, shift those chemicals around ourselves if we try hard enough, believe in ourselves and give it our all. The process is the same for our physical selves as it is for the intangible parts. Therefore, anything I attempt to do, whether it is physical or emotional, will in the end lead to the same result. Right? Well, that’s what I tell myself. I do doubt at the moment.

I’m sorry, I had hoped to reveal to you a journey, one which slowly over the weeks of entry showed you how it is possible to grow daily simply by being more aware of the inner self. In this I have clearly failed also. Here I sit and dump doubts and it feels as if I have just started this journey and the intervening weeks have not happened.

They did happen! I did learn so much! I fixed so many issues!

Wow.

Oh, now I sound completely disjointed, but do you know what? It just occurred to me the journey is real and I have soul-searched and lip-chewed and I have GROWN. This current state of belief is but a few days in a far larger picture. Why throw what went before away? That would be the real failure. We are not perfect, not ever, and sometimes we doubt. Sometimes the big picture is overwhelming. Sometimes we have to admit we are only human.

Okay, so these few days do not define me. Your few days do not define you either. I acknowledge the bigger picture, but will now concentrate on the small stuff and use them to drag myself out of this.

I will go outside and listen to the birds. I will edit another chapter of my book. I will cook a lovely meal tonight. I will phone my brother for a quick chat. I will veg later and watch my favourite movie without telling myself I am wasting time better spent doing something constructive. I will cuddle with my partner tonight after our meal.

I will fix this.

Thank you for the opportunity to unload. This has given me the willingness to change my doubts and the path to do so. I hope you can find your path, too."

Justine's Journal #44

52 Weeks 500 Words

This is how it began: Justine (not her real name) decided to write 500 words (or as near as), anything goes, per week for 52 weeks. She would then submit it for anonymous posting, via me, her friend. Perhaps a pattern will emerge from her words, but at this stage it’s more an experiment I have agreed to share in. I’ll attempt to draw conclusions at the end of this. Stay tuned if this resonates with you.

Week 44

"I have a serious issue with the banking system here in the south. It’s a minefield of frustration, that’s what it is.

I have more than one account and recently ignored one account (where I try and save) and when I tried to put in some funds via internet banking, it was to discover my account is inactive. Huh? It seems the fees put me in arrears and now it is inactive. I have to make a special trip to the branch and spend literally hours in line (I mean it, HOURS – it took me four hours in line just to open this account a few months ago) in order to fix it. I have to do this, for I receive money from another party into this account on occasion.

FEES! The bane of our lives. There are fees for every transaction, fees for just having an account, fees for using internet banking, fees for sms notifications, and FEES for being in arrears! For doing nothing, the banks here make money off us.

Elaina told me how the account she had in Ireland was bliss itself. NO FEES! On the other hand, no interest to speak of (which we do have here, although it’s not massive for saving – massive for lending, oh yes), but I would rather earn little interest and not have my money vanish into the ether the way it does here.

While frustration is an issue, as is the impracticality of sorting this out, my main problem with this affair is how it makes us feel unworthy.

We try to save. We try to keep our heads above water. And what happens? Without doing anything wrong, we are in debt to the banks. Instantly we feel debt-ridden and anxious and unworthy as a member of our society. Fix it, you say, and all will be well. I agree, but why is it necessary to put us through this gauntlet with regularity?

I am not going to start on the politics of money our leaders manipulate, for then I will be raving like a lunatic and it will destroy my calm … and it will help me not at all. But I do wish our leaders could wake up and affect changes that will aid in making every citizen begin to breathe easier … to feel worthy. This doesn’t mean freebies, merely less taking from us. A foolish hope, no doubt.

So next week I am off to stand in line cursing under my breath for a few hours. Wish me luck and wish me patience. Wish also for lightning bolt enlightenment to strike someone with the power to change things for ordinary people. Ha."

Justine's Journal #43

52 Weeks 500 Words

This is how it began: Justine (not her real name) decided to write 500 words (or as near as), anything goes, per week for 52 weeks. She would then submit it for anonymous posting, via me, her friend. Perhaps a pattern will emerge from her words, but at this stage it’s more an experiment I have agreed to share in. I’ll attempt to draw conclusions at the end of this. Stay tuned if this resonates with you.

Week 43

"Well, it’s countdown to my final journal entry. Ten to go, including this one, I admit I’m starting to feel as if I am about to end something I would prefer to continue! This session of entries began to force me into recognition of self and I was initially frightened of doing so. Had Elaina refused me the space on her blog, I admit it would not have insisted too hard.

Yet, over the weeks, this has come to mean quite a bit to me. I soon realised how therapeutic it is to talk to the ether. It was as if I spoke to everyone and no one simultaneously, and that is pretty liberating. It’s faceless, as I remain faceless. I have learned so much about myself merely by being honest about my feelings.

I will continue with the journal under my pillow, without a doubt!

In a sense, you know me now.

You know I love and respect nature and find much of my inspiration from listening to and watching what happens in the natural world, from birds, rain, sunsets and the little spaces in the grass.

You also know I have acknowledged the sense of premonition we all have and, while I certainly don’t claim knowing how it works, the feeling is welcome now. Follow your instincts, for that, in my opinion, is premonition.

You have followed my issues with family and I want you to realise, this entry thing? It helped to fix the relationship with my brother, and for that I am eternally grateful.

And, of course, you know about the stalker who nearly caused me to surrender my sense of self, as you know of my new partner (and my insecurities about us!). The stalker is now a lesson learned, while my partner has my heart. I do believe we will be together for a long time, but, if not, I have learned it is just fine to love again. Perhaps we will tie the knot, perhaps not, but these entries will be over before I can share it with you. Pity.

Maybe, in  a year or so, Elaina can post an update!

I post this ‘overview’ now because the final entries, I feel, should concentrate on those final niggling issues we all seem to carry around with us. Not that I have anything planned, for I think my life should determine which thing becomes important at a given time, but I will be looking out for it and then tell you what I think.

Maybe it will be about my frustration with my cooking skills! Yes, an issue for me. I have always thought I do okay in the kitchen, but now that I am cooking for a man again, I doubt myself. How crazy is that? It is, of course, not about cooking, but about my own insecurity, therefore an issue needing honest examination. And there, in those few words, a niggle is laid to rest without having to try too hard. Just acknowledging my insecurity sets me on a path to healing! A journal REALLY helps!

Catch you next week. Stay safe and well until then."

Justine's Journal #42

52 Weeks 500 Words

This is how it began: Justine (not her real name) decided to write 500 words (or as near as), anything goes, per week for 52 weeks. She would then submit it for anonymous posting, via me, her friend. Perhaps a pattern will emerge from her words, but at this stage it’s more an experiment I have agreed to share in. I’ll attempt to draw conclusions at the end of this. Stay tuned if this resonates with you.

Week 42

"Oh, I had the greatest ten days in a long time! We decided to get together, brother dearest and I, and I flew up north to the plateau part of South Africa. I tell you, it gets pretty cold up there, but weather and temperature was far from our minds the whole time.

We did all the tourist stuff, took many photos, ate too much and laughed all the while. And we talked. We talked so much! We have definitely reconnected and no distance in living arrangements will again become distance in our relationship. This is the best feeling, knowing neither of us will ever really be alone.

Treasure family. If something is wrong, attempt to fix it. I am well aware sometimes it is better to walk away from a toxic family member and I’m not saying fix it with someone you know will entirely destroy your peace of mind, but your brother or your sister can also be your very best friend. The cousin you knew as a child may become that, or the aunt who always sent you little notes when you were growing up. Age is immaterial; the connection counts.

I thought I was alone, and now I know I am not. Happiness is realising our foolish pride can be set aside!

Friends, too, can become family. Sometimes a friend is more family than we realise, for they are always there without judgement. I said I thought I was alone, but I wasn’t, for I did have family, I had and have amazing and supportive friends, and I treasure them absolutely. I can’t wait for my brother’s visit towards the end of the year, for then I can bring him into my friend circle and I know already they will become part of his family as he will become part of theirs. I met his BFF while up north, a great teddy bear man who smiles all the time, and he is now part of my family!

Do I sound as I’m rambling? Floating on my happiness cloud, I may be stringing thoughts together to make some kind of sense for you, for me, and all I may be succeeding in doing is sounding random. Well, that’s just fine by me, for right now I can’t stop smiling either (like the teddy bear man!) and I hope you can at least sense how contented I am with life at the moment.

If something is wrong, fix it. It does make all the difference.

I came home to RAIN here in the south. The heavens had literally opened up and it rained and rained. Dams are filling, fields are green and the dust of many hot months is now washed away. In a way, for me this was a blessing. It was like having my return home anointed, validation of what I have learned and who I am now. Maybe that’s a bit freaky, but when I stepped off the plane, I felt blessed. I was home and new, as the familiar world around me was again new.

Life is good."

Justine's Journal #41

Justine is currently up north visiting her brother. Because she desires to spend every moment she can with him, she has not submitted an entry for this week ... but will catch up next Saturday. 

Here's wishing her a wonderful time!

xxx