Justine and I got together this week to discuss the book we
are planning to release soon, but more on that when the time comes. The point
of this post is to give you my thoughts on what the last year of entries has
meant.
To that end, instead of me rambling here on and on about
what I thought we achieved and how I regard the changes I noticed in Justine, I
decided to do an interview. On seeing Justine, I ran it by her and she was at
first reluctant, citing that an interview was too personal. When I pointed out
that every entry she wrote and I posted for her was also personal and yet she gave
of herself week after week, her choice, she agreed.
We then agreed to keep it short, ten questions only. I have
to tell you that choosing even one question was hard, choosing ten became quite
a mission. Once I started writing potential questions down, I discovered
there was a host of them I would like to ask!
***
1 Why did you choose
a pseudonym?
Well, you know yourself I don’t have much of an online
presence, so it wasn’t the digital world’s response that had me worried. I do
have a large circle of real world friends, though, and many of them would have
been too judgemental. That is what I thought at the time anyway. Now I realise
real friends don’t judge in the way I thought they might. Today I would
consider using my real name … well, maybe. I sort of prefer the anonymity, I must
admit. It freed me to say things I wouldn’t normally say.
2 What exactly
prompted you into starting the Journal?
I felt alone, really isolated, pretty scared, and saw no
future. I didn’t have a life, I thought. Then, one evening, I sat and watched a
cactus I had on my windowsill at the time, begin to bloom. It’s one of those
that bloom once every so many years or something, and only for one night. It hadn’t
bloomed before and for weeks a bud sat there waiting. I saw pink pushing
through and I was quite excited. Okay, now imagine sitting and watching a
flower – nothing happens when you watch it! Hours later, though, there were
furled petals and by morning (I was up early) the full flower was there. It was
like magic! By evening of the second day it had begun to shrivel.
I saw myself in that bloom. Waiting. Suddenly something
clicked inside and it started to change, after so long waiting. For a brief
time something beautiful emerged. And then it returned to waiting, but I knew
it had the ability to emerge one day again, when everything was ready for it to
bloom once more.
The next day I cried (lots) and decided it was time to
emerge, if only to be for a brief moment something beautiful.
3 In three words
describe your state of mind when we began this journey.
Lost
Alone
Depressed
4 In three words
describe your state of mind when we ended this journey.
Awake
Aware
Happy
5 Which one thing
made you sit up and think?
The déjà vu thing with the dog running across the road as I turned
a corner! Until then, the premonitions I had experienced were somewhat distant,
although they were real. That dog was right there in real time. All the hairs
on my arms, legs and neck stood up. I really started thinking then.
6 What scared you the
most?
When my partner lost his phone while visiting family up the
coast, I assumed the worst. It is frightening how easily we think the worst
first.
7 What disappointed
you the most?
I can’t say anything disappointed me. Everything was part of
the journey and remains part of the learning process. If I had to choose, then I
would say I was disappointed that I couldn’t always find the right words to
explain what I was feeling.
8 What made you laugh
the most?
People! Not people as a concept, but the people I met at
charity functions. Because I put myself out there, I discovered laughter. I
realised we like to laugh together. This is a great feeling.
9 What made you the
happiest?
Definitely reconnecting with my brother!
10 And finally, where
to now?
Nowhere far in geography, but I will definitely build on
what I have learned. I intend to continue my journal entries, for the blank
page is now my therapy. Also, I am looking forward to strengthening my relationships,
with my partner, with my brother, with you and with old and new friends. I am
no longer alone. This too is a good feeling.
Also, I have an idea for a new book. It’s as if all this has
opened doors in my creativity as well. Maybe I’ll publish soon, maybe I’ll wait
until I’m ready, but I will be writing no matter what. A really good feeling!
***
I admit, I cried when Justine spoke of the bloom on her
windowsill. She never told me that before. I also understand her disappointment
with words – sometimes they simply don’t do justice to what is inside. As for
Justine’s writing? I have read some of her work (she’s still a bit reluctant to
share, fearing judgement) and it’s good. I hope she does publish. That will be
the real ‘Justine’. Watch out world, the girl has stories to tell!
A final note from me. I want to thank Justine for doing
this. She has not merely helped herself stand up again; she has helped me stand
up again. Thank you, Justine.
Keep smiling!
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