Saturday, January 10, 2015

Justine's Journal #21

52 Weeks 500 Words

This is how it began: Justine (not her real name) decided to write 500 words (or as near as), anything goes, per week for 52 weeks. She would then submit it for anonymous posting, via me, her friend. Perhaps a pattern will emerge from her words, but at this stage it’s more an experiment I have agreed to share in. I’ll attempt to draw conclusions at the end of this. Stay tuned if this resonates with you.

Week 21

'Hello, everyone. Forgive my silence last week. I had so many questions regarding the quote I sent Elaina, I feel quite overwhelmed, not only by the concern, but the willingness to share a shoulder with me. Thank you to all who messaged me, phoned, and those of you who popped in for a chat (you know who you are!).

Right, I guess I need to address it then. Folks, it wasn’t anything earth-shattering, I didn’t fall into a hole I couldn’t climb from. It was merely me reverting to my old way of expecting things to go bad even when they are clearly on the up and up. You know that saying ‘if it’s too good to be true, it is’? Unfortunately I’ve allowed that to cloud my judgement. Hey, everything is going so well, it can’t last! That’s how I’ve always seen it. Don’t therefore trust what’s happening, because tomorrow I’ll wake up disillusioned.

Unluckily for me, it has happened before, expectations crushed, too many times.

Yet, amazingly, here I am many days later, and nothing has changed for the worse. In fact, life is pretty good, and I need to get my mind in order … or I will lose this. It occurs to me I may be creating the environment for disappointment in expecting it. I am the one shooting myself in the foot, you know? That’s a scary thought. If I then look back on my life, at all the ‘bad’ things, does it mean I am the instigator of my own troubles?

When I sat to write this, I gave it some thought, hopefully with objectivity. Am I the instigator of my troubles, due to mind set? Am I? Was I? Did I? The sad answer is, yes, there have been times I am the one to blame. I didn’t see the ‘silver lining’, not once, when my life went skidding out of control. The hopeful answer is, no, often I was the one giving support, not asking for it.

It means, objectively, I have experienced both the ‘good’ and the ‘bad’ and both were the result of my thoughts and actions at the time. We can learn from this kind of honesty, folks, really. It doesn’t mean a bad situation can be made good simply by thinking it, for there are matters beyond our control, but it does mean we are able to deal with the aftermath in a more rational way. Find the silver lining, and use it to move forward.

Having said all this, I intend calling my brother tomorrow to just chat. See, I thought, after the wonderful Christmas of us getting together again, that our relationship would revert to the years of silence we have just endured. I believed the good feelings would vanish into nothing as it has in the past. But, know what? If I want it to continue, it is up to me also. We can grow a great relationship, even if we’re at opposite ends of the country, and we can do so by talking to each other.

Brother, your sister intends bending your ear often, because she misses and loves you. And we’ll make arrangements to get together in a few months too. I look forward to it. May this be the year of good things for both of us!'

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