21 weeks have passed since Justine and I began this
experiment. For those of you who don’t yet know, we agreed she would write a journal
entry weekly (or submit weekly, for sometimes she writes over days) of around
500 words and I would post it on my blog. Justine isn't her real name, but
those of us who know her, we know her name! I sometimes think, because she is
aware some of us know who really sends in the entries, she holds back on what
she shares. It is difficult to be
absolutely honest, after all. We don’t like to offend, generally speaking.
We agreed to do this for 52 weeks, a full year, and at the
end of it, I am to submit a report, drawing my conclusions. How does one draw
conclusion about something like this? Personality, emotion, issues, these are
very subjective concepts. This may be much harder than I now believe, for I will
in fact be dissecting a friend. It is, as mentioned, difficult to be absolutely
honest.
Before I post week 22 tomorrow, I thought I’d attempt to do a report now. Not only is this
practice for me, but it’s a way to see if I am able to be honest. It’s also a
means to view reactions, not only from others, but specifically from Justine
herself. Will what I say influence what comes next for her? Or will she simply
cease submissions because it has gone far enough in her opinion? (I don’t think
so; Justine keeps her word, always)
I thought to be dispassionate about this, but how can I be? Friendship
is important. Tact is therefore imperative, although ‘tact’ should never dodge
the real truth. The effort of unravelling every entry for hidden meaning (my
original objective) will be time wasted. How can it possibly be fruitful to
analyse what was said then in order to find the words now? To discover Justine of
the present in her words from the past isn't the way to understanding her. She
is no longer that person, we move forward all the time, after all. Although I do
acknowledge that we build upon past experiences and use them as tools of change
(or not), all I will achieve in analysing her older posts is raking open old
wounds. Acknowledging the sense of release she achieved in recording her
feelings and then letting it go is by far a better option. Dissecting each post
is therefore futile.
What I will do is give you impressions of the whole. Looking
at the tone of writing will to some extent also reveal the emotion of the
writer. Yes, emotion is already inherent in her shared words, but that is a
subjective emotion. The point here is to be more objective.
When this experiment began, Justine was in a lonely place
filled with the shadows of oppression. How often didn't we discuss ways of
finding the proverbial glimmers of light that would draw her along an
ever-widening tunnel until she stepped out from under its influence? We did so
on the phone and in person, and I think we learned from each other. Mutual support
and understanding goes a long way in easing the burdens. All of us suffer in the
shadows. No one stands in the light undimmed. Many of you might question this ‘experiment’.
Banging a few words out on weekly basis? How does that possibly help? Can it
solve anything, really? I admit, I was of the same opinion, and in fact tried
to talk her out of it. Justine, however, was adamant. Once the idea took root,
she would not let it go. As she said at the time, whether or not I post it, she
intended doing it, if only entries in a book she hides under her pillow. But,
she argued, making a commitment to a
posting schedule will help me do it, force me into thinking, into writing. A
book under a pillow can be ignored, not so? I’ll do it later, we say, when I have
time, when I have the energy … and is left undone. She had a point there, and
thus I reluctantly agreed. And here we are, 21 weeks in, with 22 due tomorrow.
I did tell her I’ll be doing this progress thing … and I haven’t
now heard from her in days. Is she waiting to see what I’ll say? Probably. Funny
thing, after a while I thought it’s better to leave this alone, to simply
continue with the weekly entries, and then I realised the act of saying I would
do it has in fact placed a commitment upon me. I said I would; now I have to. It
isn't a matter of a promise (because it wasn't one), it’s a matter of knowing
she is waiting for me to say this stuff … as I waited for her weekly journal entries.
I think I understand her better now. It may not be about promises, but it feels
like it, and therefore thought becomes action.
Let’s address the missing weeks first, the times Justine didn't
(or couldn't) submit, before I give you my overall impressions.
Week 9 – This is the week Justine went through trauma due to
an idiot who decided to become a stalker. I won’t go into detail here, for it
is now past. If you want to know what happened, read Week 10 and Week 11.
Suffice to say, none of us can hold her silence against her. It was a difficult
time. Also, for those of you interested (sorry, Justine, but let’s play open
cards here), the idiot ended up with not one, but two, restraining orders
against him, from other women. It’s just a matter of time before he lands up in
court (hopefully jail). He has not again bothered Justine.
Week 15 – We had no electricity almost country-wide. In the
run up to this week’s entry, we suffered many power failures due to our country’s
lack of foresight regarding updating the grid to accommodate the growing number
of users. Most of us were too wary to leave our computers connected, in the
event of a surge, and not much productive work was done. Although Justine
submitted a far longer piece about the Christmas season in Week 16, to make up
the lost 500, fact is she also composed one on paper for the Saturday we had no
electricity at all. She refuses to tell me what she wrote. I smile, but I also
hope she dealt with whatever held her back at the time.
Week 20 – Justine sent the quote about expecting bad things
to happen despite good times. We received simply that, for those shadows were a
bit lower then. See Week 21 (our pervious entry) to understand the why of it. On
this occasion I know Justine did deal with what held her back, and I am so
proud of her!
Overview
I guess honesty is the best, and most of what I’ll say now I
have said to Justine in person over time. It seems to me Justine becomes
needlessly busy when life is quiet, as if frenzied action will fill those
silent voids. Yes, my friend, I say ‘frenzied’
deliberately, because most of what you suddenly choose to tackle is huge and
ends up driving you crazy. Justine has a massive collection of photos, for
example, which she decided to throw out of their boxes in order to insert into
albums (those images from before the digital area), but they had to be sorted
into date order! Now this is all very well, commendable, and the OCD part of
all of us would love to be that organised, but it is (and was for Justine) a
monumental task. It took weeks and was utterly frustrating for her. But she didn't
have to feel other things during that time; she was ‘too busy’. After much
soul-searching, she has realised this, and there is a journal entry that
addresses it. I’m hoping she understands that the quiet times are the moments
that serve to renew us.
Justine feels oppressed when nothing happens around her. She
is one of many who prefer continuous action, and when life quietens, she feels
lost. Most of this mind-set has to do with her inability to concentrate, I think.
She moves from project to project without finishing one before moving on. Those
photos? There’s still a box that needs classification. Justine, you use this to explain why you can’t write. Don’t you? I can’t
concentrate, you say. And yet Justine’s greatest passion is the act of
writing. I believe, once she has a completed novel under her belt, her sense of
self-worth will escalate, but no one can force her to it. This is a choice and
a decision and an action she simply must master herself. For what it’s worth, my friend, I think these journal entries have
started to focus your attention. You were right in more way than one when we
started this. I say, go to it. You know I’ll read it!
Because Justine lives alone, she cares much for others and
their family issues. This is wonderful, of course, but she has a tendency to
read their issues as her life. This has more to do with the need to belong than
the need to interfere, of course – not that she interferes! She feels she does,
however, and yet her involvement in others’ issues gifts her a sense of
belonging. Her advice is often more sound than most, because she is more objective,
but she loses that perspective when her advice doesn't work. Justine, it doesn't mean it doesn't work; it’s
simply that family dynamics alter swiftly. She has no family, other than
her brother, and I am beyond happy that the two of them have reconnected, and yet
she feels isolated. Having read her last entry, I think that is about to
change, and I am really pleased. Justine’s brother was probably as unhappy in
his isolation, and now together they may forge a new path. Go, girl!
Final words: the tone of Justine’s posts has become ever
more positive and she is less frenzied now as well. The act of recording
obviously helps, and I for one am all for it. We will finish these 52 weeks! I
admit, not only has it helped her, but it’s helping me. We are opposites,
Justine and I, and still I find myself learning from her insights. Thank you,
my friend, and here’s to the next 31 entries!
(Now please phone me,
will you?)
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